Laura and Laurelle

I wrote this about a year ago when I was feeling down, hence the pessimistic outlook throughout.

As a warning now, this is not suitable for the young. 

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Today I’m Laura. I was born Laura. I grew up as Laura. Most of the time I am Laura. 

Laura has dreams to be a director. At first Laura wanted to be an actress. She did acting. In class and at home. Laura would re-enact her favourite films, books and characters in her spare time. But she was shy. She couldn’t go to the auditions because she had stage fright. 

Then she found a new passion being behind the camera. Capturing images and emotions and enhancing them with music. She’d film most things. Her surroundings usually, only filming the good things to create an illusion of her life that wasn’t actually so.

Laura was fun. A dreamer at times. Ambitious. She wanted to travel the world and capture it all in film to make it real. She wanted to direct music videos. To make people feel something. Make them think something. She wanted to be famous. Not for her looks or money but for her ability to erupt things in people.

Laura had friends. A boyfriend too. She was in love. She was happy.

But sometimes she would become Laurelle. Perhaps at her weak moments or when she would lose a grasp on herself. Laurelle was crazy. Laura knew that. Laurelle knew that. Laurelle wanted to self-destruct. She wanted to run away. From it all. But mostly from herself.

Laurelle didn’t feel complete. She felt inadequate. She felt lost. Like a grain of sand in a bowl of sugar. She felt like she couldn’t get out. Sometimes she wanted to die.

Laurelle was ruining Laura’s life. She would drink too much sometimes. She would take too many drugs. Laura would be humiliated of Laurelle’s actions, her words and her thoughts. Laura had to live with Laurelle’s mistakes and when she hurt those closest to Laura.

And she whispers to Laura. Confusing Laura. Trying to drag her into the mess and the world she created for herself.

Laura can’t take it anymore.

Laura’s going to kill Laurelle. She’s going to make her disappear completely. Laura doesn’t want Laurelle to hurt anyone else. Doesn’t want to hurt her friends anymore. Her family. Her boyfriend.

Laura has a handful of pills. She’s going to swallow them. She’s going to kill Laurelle.

Laura’s lying down now. She feels sick. She is in agonizing pain. She can feel the unconsciousness taking her. Taking Laurelle.

At least, Laura thinks. She will leave her films behind. And maybe they will erupt something in people. Maybe they will make people feel something. Think something.

She hopes so.

Laurelle took everything Laura had. But not her hope. Not her dreams.